That’s the thing about the high school experience — we get older, but it stays the same. And that’s why Dazed and Confused speaks to students (and partiers) of any generation.
“If one commits the act of sodomy with a cow, an ewe, or a camel, their urine and their excrements become impure, and even their milk may no longer be consumed. The animal must then be killed and as quickly as possible and burned.”
– Ryan Seacrest
Mayan Apocalypse: The Mayans actually mentioned dates beyond 12/21/12 and prophesied important events occurring beyond that date.
New Year’s Eve: Unfortunately, you’re not foreseeing any important events or dates occurring anytime in 2013.
It falls under a similar corollary as, “Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time — when pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.” It’s an air-tight, self-perpetuating cycle.
“You guys are like sooo cool, you know? It’s like, I don’t know why we didn’t do this earlier… we should totally stop slaughtering you guys!” was a common refrain from 18-year-old, red-faced Pilgrims, overcompensating for the loud music by yelling directly into the face of the nearest Native American in a hoarse, grating voice.
3. Don’t worry about justifying it to other people. They’ll probably assume that you’re depressed (which you are, but whatever) and you’ll have to spend a lot of time convincing them not to worry about you. I’ve found that repeatedly stating, “I’m not depressed, I’ve just realized that parties are more fun without other people!” is not an effective reassurance.
11. Stand immediately outside a circle of good looking people having an engaging conversation rife with in-jokes. Listen long enough to craft your own joke about someone they’ve been talking about, or an experience that they’ve all shared. Use this as your opening, and then stand amidst their group with a pained, contorted facial expression for about 20 to 30 seconds.
1. Try to avoid conversations in which you need to pluralize syllabus: “Oh God, this semester is going to suck. I must have over 80 pages of… syllabuses… syllabi… syllabusies… syllables… ah fuck it, I’m moving back in with my parents.”
“Guess what part of my body looks most like Vin Diesel’s head. Go ahead, guess.”
Unlike your traditional restaurant bathroom, a college bar bathroom may or may not have certain amenities, like mirrors, stalls, a sink, a toilet, a door, lighting, or an actual floor. To be honest, college bars throw the term “bathroom” around pretty liberally — in their minds, the term simply implies “an open room that you’re allowed to take a dump in.”
18. I call this The Price is Right idea: students get called down to the stage in groups of four by an overzealous announcer commanding them to, “Come on downnnnnn!” The four potential graduates then try and guess the exact total of their student debt. The closest bidder is rewarded with a diploma and a set of steak knives.
8. You have absolutely no school spirit. You’re pretty sure your school’s colors are a light color and a dark color, but you can’t remember which ones. You also think your school’s mascot is a half-man, half-goat with black eyes that tells you to burn things, but, then again, you haven’t slept for days because you have five finals next week. Maybe you should go take a nap or something.
Power Hours are my favorite form of social drinking (side note: my favorite form of non-social drinking involves Colt 45 and Youtubing bad 80s horror movies).
1. It was an accident.
2. It’s either this or the drugs, damn it. IT’S EITHER THIS OR THE DRUGS!