That’s the thing about the high school experience — we get older, but it stays the same. And that’s why Dazed and Confused speaks to students (and partiers) of any generation.
25. We Hold These Truths To Be Self-Evident, That All Men Are Created Equal, That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Unalienable Rights, That Among These Are Life, Liberty, The Pursuit Of Happiness, And The Right To Die Hard
Meek’s Cutoff is kind of like the classic computer game Oregon Trail, except crossed with The Shining — instead of laughing when your pioneer family gets lost and the wagon breaks a wheel, the movie makes you realize the utter horror of wandering hopelessly across barren terrain with some other family that you’re starting to view less as companions and more as potential brunch.
I emerged revitalized and reenergized, once again in perfectly synchronous harmony with the God-like beam of light that is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Then, while I opened the door to the bedroom closet that my mom keeps reminding me should be filled with ties and dress pants rather than nostalgic knickknacks and industrial strength narcotics, my knees buckled as my inferior mind was invaded with a euphoric vision of the TNMT movie that could be, if only the right people were involved — the best people. I knew who needed to be cast in the roles of the four turtles, as well as many other crucial parts. I present to you my vision…
24. Little Giants (1994) – Rated PG for kids’ rude language and pranks.
(Pranks? PRANKS? NOOOOOOO!!!!!)
I will sign up for literally anything involving the Coen brothers, writers and directors of this here film. Seriously, anything: A filmed colonoscopy of John Goodman? Hold on, let me call up Fandango. Mall Cop 2: Paul Blart Rises? You’ve got my $12. A 9-hour documentary on live births? Weird, but I’m there.
Predator’s placement rests heavily on your inclination to believe the following plot points: 1.) Aliens exist, 2.) Said aliens have mastered both interplanetary travel and advanced combat techniques, 3.) They enjoy hunting humans for sport, and 4.) Dudes are also rockin’ some serious dreads.
What qualifies me as an Arnold Schwarzenegger expert? I can spell his last name, correctly, on command. Try me.
Let’s just say this movie is responsible for me taking “Masked Orgy” off my bucket list.
Like it or not, eventually Hollywood’s going to remake everything, so we might as well roll with it.
1. It’s directed by Christopher Nolan. Seriously, how many times have we seen a director go on a streak of balancing commercial and critical success like Nolan has over the last decade? Between the Batman trilogy, Inception, and the underrated The Prestige, this guy can do no wrong lately — that’s a series of successes that can go toe-to-toe with Coppola in the 70s. Nolan’s next project could be a feature-length version of According to Jim and I’d be excited for it.
Worst of all, Royal Emperor Tronald Dump has declared a prohibition on Pepsi, the country’s most cherished beverage and sole reason for continued existence. Sounds like a job for… Pepsi Jesus!
The best thing about Ted is that it is 100% Seth MacFarlane, which, depending on your opinion, might also be the worst thing about Ted.
Sometimes I wish I could be like a Hollywood franchise and just “reboot” my identity every five or six years and pick out some poor schlub walking the down street and be like, “Okay, from now, you’re me… and Go!” And it’d be like, okay, now you’re the guy with a $60 bank account who’s banned from the library. So, uhhh…good luck with that. Sucker.
The Fast and the Furious: You returned the Ed Hardy t-shirt your cousin got you for Christmas because the design is already tattooed to your torso. You missed out on the last UFC pay-per-view because your amateur MMA fight was on the same night at the local bingo hall. You own the same Honda Civic as my mom, but yours has a body kit and flame decals.