Love Letters

If You Aren’t Sure If They’re Flirting With You, They’re Flirting With You (Unless They Aren’t)

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When someone flirts with you out of genuine interest, it’s just enough for you to notice it, but also faint enough for you to suspect that it’s your imagination. When it’s unmistakably clear to you and everyone in the room that someone is flirting with you, they are probably after something else (like your soul! Make sure to never yawn in front of them).

Long-Distance Relationships Mean Always Getting to Say Hello

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At one point there was a guy going, “You know, thank god for these carrier pigeons. Without them, I’d don’t know how Sheila and I could possibly make this thing work.”

The 9 Different Types Of Penises There Are

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Ah, the Sad Wizard… truly the most mysterious of all penises. Enshrouded in a droopy robe of enigmatic foreskin, the Sad Wizard often defies categorization…

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

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Two hundred live worms. The name says it all, folks. Call me crazy, but something tells me that this year, not every kiss begins with “k”…

I Lost Your Virginity Last Night

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Have you thought about putting an ad for it on a milk carton? Like a “Have You Seen My Virginity?” thing? They have that amazing technology now where they can take the last remaining picture of someone and artificially age it to get an approximation of what the person would be expected to look like presently. Maybe they could do that with your virginity. Like, here’s what we think your virginity would look like if it still existed: Here’s what to look for.

So, You Want To Shave Your Balls

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I mean, do you even have a good reason for shaving your balls? What, are you entering them in a beauty contest? Will they be participating in some kind of “Balls Pageant,” where they will be judged by a panel of former celebrities on qualities like texture, heft, and elasticity, as well as their performance in the prestigious Evening Wear competition?

Adult Movie Titles, In Order Of Awkwardness If My Mom Sees Them While Checking Our TV’s “Channel Guide”

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But I do know that it’s hard to look my mom in the eye after we’ve clearly both just seen that Guiding the Pole in My Hole is playing on BraZZers TV at 8:30.

Disney’s “The Story of Menstruation” Video

I suppose I should note that I was also slightly perturbed by the animated  close-ups of “the flow we know as menstruation” passing through a uterus like an  uneaten runny egg sliding off a Denny’s plate and into an awaiting trash  receptacle.

20 Greatest Cosmo Headlines

6. Foreplay Men Crave: Touch His Secret Erotic Spot  (Surprise: It Doesn’t Rhyme With Shmenis)

Does it rhyme with shmipples?

12 Tips For Being The +1 At A Wedding

Extra credit: Shake the groom’s hand firmly, holding on to it for at least six or seven seconds too long. Stare into his eyes with a look that communicates joy, gratitude, and a psychotic break with reality. Lean into him and whisper something really, really weird in his ear, like “I bet she still has that ‘New Wife’ smell.”

The 14 Best Songs About Not Getting Laid

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They say write about what you know…

Ways Public School Sex Education Traumatized Me

My 8th grade health teacher was actually a pretty cool guy, though. He didn’t even mind when I wrote my name as Urethra Franklin on a test that I knew I was going to fail.

A List Of Things I’m Sorry I Did To You On Valentine’s Day

I’m sorry about the new nickname I came up with for you. I was just trying to be cute, and I swear that I’ve never heard that word used as a racial slur before.

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