Existential Crises

90s Nickelodeon Plot Descriptions As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis

Legends of the Hidden Temple

Things get weird when Olmec starts weeping stalactite tears after realizing that the idiotic children’s inability to put together the statue in the Shrine of the Silver Monkey is the perfect analogy for his inability to construct a cohesive self-identity out of the jumbled pieces that constitute his being. The Purple Parrots win Blow Pops, Casio wristwatches, and 5-day stays at the Orlando Hyatt.

Reflections On Now That’s What I Call Music! 5 By A Man In The Throes  Of An Existential Crisis

In my nightmares, this song is penned to me — a ghastly promise that when I  am finally ready to love, it will be *NSYNC that I give myself to; not a  promise, actually, but a threat. “It’s Gonna Be Me” warns that only their brand  of boy band popmanship can cut away the thick gristle clotting my heart.

The asterisk in their name taunts me, like an upturned asshole. Alternately  stretching and constricting, it succulently gasps my name.

Reality Show Plots As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis

The Bachelor

Confusion abounds when the bachelor admits that he is not, in fact, a living person, but an abstract conglomeration of traits romanticized by a patriarchal society. Making the best of a bad situation, Amber gives him a hand job in the hot tub after a pleasant dinner at Red Lobster.

1998’s Primetime TV Listings As Written By A Man In The Throes Of An Existential Crisis

Although ostensibly about serious topics such as late-90s sitcoms and identity crises, I intended for it be humorous. However, I fear it merely offended anyone with a significant belief in anything. Hooray!

Sister, Sister 8:00 – 8:30 Tia and Tamera come to grips with the realization that their twinship is not a playful flourish from the idiosyncratic hand of God, but merely a production error from the mechanized assembly chain of creation.